So one thing you don’t want to do in life is, is watch Sharman Joshi and Zarine Khan have movie sex. Because it will scar you. Forever.
Generally I am not the kind of person who likes to inflict pain and misery upon myself voluntarily, but after being ‘urged’ by my sisters to watch Hate Story 3, I decided to do it.
I had some idea what might be in store for me ahead, but nothing could have prepared me for what I endured throughout the duration of HS3.
In case you are not into inflicting pain upon yourself voluntarily, here’s what happens (I’ll try to be short, because I’m kind):
DON’T READ ANY FURTHER IN CASE YOU’RE PLANNING TO WATCH IT, THEN ASK YOURSELF WHY?
FULL DISCLOSURE: I might have messed up the order of events because I may or may not have been trying to drill into my brain and erase everything I was seeing during the movie.
*Skip through the description for the life lessons*
Sharman Joshi is a doting and devoted puppy, married to Zarine Khan, who is an appropriate mixture of a docile, trophy wife and a strong, empowered woman. No, really. She says so, in not so many words, in a hilarious interview where she asserts that she is no less than Sharman Joshi in any aspect, and that’s not saying much, then for the rest of the movie, going on to staying quietly in the background when Sharman Joshi is trying to be diabolical.
Turns out, she had been engaged to Sharman Joshi’s elder brother before marrying him (which she confesses in the aforementioned interview, while Sharman Joshi looked on adoringly, after which they proceed to have gross movie sex to a cheesy song and no one recognises just how twisted it seems).
Then out of nowhere someone gifts him a swanky car (yes, it’s very random). So Sharman Joshi tracks down this random car gifter, and turns out it’s Karan Singh Grover.
They meet and suddenly HS3 turns into Indecent Proposal, because Karan Singh Grover offers Sharman Joshi a whole lot of money (probably, I wasn’t paying much attention tbh) if he lets him sleep with his wife, AKA strong, empowered Zarine Khan, to which Sharman Joshi hilariously bursts out in a series of profanities, mostly revolving around Karan Singh Grover being a rascal, or something to that affect.
Long story short, Karan Singh Grover starts to slowly destroy Sharman Joshi and then a series of ill thought of plans and schemes are carried out by Daisy Shah, who is playing a femme fatale (YES, no kidding) she is then hilariously murdered (I don’t know if her murder was hilarious or not, but at this point I was using humour as a method to cope with the movie).
A lot of stuff happens after this, Sharman Joshi gets arrested for the hilarious murder of Daisy Shah, Zarine Khan decides to sleep with Karan Singh Grover in return for a proof that Sharman Joshi did not, in fact, hilariously murder Daisy Shah. They of course have gross movie sex to another song.
She then spots a hideous tattoo on Karan Singh Grover’s back which is the same tattoo that her ex-fiancee, AKA perfect elder brother of Sharman Joshi, had at the exact spot. To which her first reaction is to accept that Karan Singh Grover is a reincarnation of her dead ex. Because what else could it be?
We’re taken back in time where it’s revealed that Sharman Joshi isn’t actually the devoted puppy he claims to be, he actually hated his elder brother and was in love with Zarine Khan, who was also in love with him despite accepting his elder brother’s proposal of marriage at a hilarious event (again, I don’t know if the event was hilarious or not, you gotta bear with me). They hatch a crazy scheme to kill the elder brother, by blowing up his plane.
We’re then brought back to the present, where she goes on to reveal this to Sharman Joshi in jail, who also accepts it (!!) without any questions. Then she goes back to Karan Singh grover’s house to get the proof that will exonerate Sharman Joshi off the hilarious murder, and somehow poisons him and he ends up in the hospital (or something like that).
Sharman Joshi is released based on the evidence Zarine Khan got in exchange of sleeping with Karan Singh Grover, which no one talks about or comments on, and they end up going to a construction site (I know..) where a weakened Karan Singh Grover comes and starts shooting everyone. A lot of stuff happens and it turns out that Karan Singh Grover is not actually the reincarnated version of the elder brother, but his BFF who devotes his entire life to take revenge from the two of them and destroy their lives.
TL;DR: Karan Singh Grover’s face is almost eaten by Zarine Khan and Daisy Shah during an elaborate and stupid revenge plan against Sharman Joshi.
Now, life long emotional scarring aside, I realised that watching Hate Story 3 wasn’t a complete waste of time, there are some invaluable lessons you can learn from’Hate Story 3′.
HATE STORY 3 LIFE LESSONS
1) You don’t want to watch Sharman Joshi and Zarine Khan have movie sex. I realise that I have already mentioned it, but this point can’t be stressed enough.
2) You can’t have a sex scene without a cheesy background song (preferably objectifying you) and soft lighting.
3) If you tell Daisy Shah a story about your sister committing suicide because of a guy, she will pledge to be your friend forever, and/or promise to die for you too.
4) Karan Singh Grover is a ‘CHEAP VULGAR RASCAL’. Sharman Joshi’s words, not mine.
5) Speaking of Daisy Shah (See #3), said friendship/promise of death also entails hideous and scarring sex, where she might try to swallow your face under the guise of kissing you, at least that’s what I thought she was doing to the CHEAP VULGAR RASCAL Karan Singh Grover.
ALSO: Hair flipping in a pool is an acceptable form of foreplay.
6) If you find someone’s body (preferably someone from a plane crash) and you take them to the hospital, you are bound to serve them for eternity. And not serve like wash their back once in a while, serve like assist the aforementioned CHEAP VULGAR RASCAL in elaborate revenge schemes, hide dead bodies and watch CVR make-out with Daisy Shah.
7) There are not many things as hilarious as Sharman Joshi screaming “CHEAP VULGAR RASCAL” in Karan Singh Grover’s face.
8) It’s not entirely wrong to respond to someone claiming that they’ve been having wet dreams about you, by asking them if they don’t have a mother or sister at home, and then proceed to give them a lap dance.
9) Nothing good can come off a movie which stars Sharman Joshi, but no Aamir Khan.
10) If you had the teensiest bit of a crush on Priyanshu Chatterjee at some point of your life, then you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.
(Just me…? OK!)
11) You might be inclined to peel off every layer of skin off your face by the time the end credits roll.
In case you have seen the movie, and have suffered through the same ordeal, and you have something to add, feel free!