I don’t think there are any bad movies. I feel like every movie has its own audience. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I sat through Sana Khan and Gurmeet Chowdhary ‘have sex’ (more on that later) in Wajah Tum Ho.

Nobody forced me to go see the movie. And I have no regrets. I mean I would willingly put acid in my eyes to burn the image of the whole movie out of my consciousness, but I happen to like seeing things and so I would have to live with my demons.

In case you’ve seen the trailer of the movie, then you may have a tiny bit of an idea of what I went through.

In case you haven’t, then here you go:

Before we embark on the life lessons (and there are many, trust me), here’s what happens in the movie. There are multiple spoilers ahead because I am pretty sure I love you and I don’t want you to go through what I went through. At least not visually. So here it is:

The movie starts off with the sounds of two people having sex in a seedy-ish motel. At this I knew I was in for a traumatising ride because motel sex has never led to non-traumatising times (I am not speaking from experience, mom).

Turns out a corrupt police officer (and it is established he is corrupt very firmly. This movie does not get points for subtlety) is forcing a girl to have sex with him because he supposedly caught her and her boyfriend having sexy time in a parking lot.

I swear I will not give in to my tendency to ramble on and will try to wrap this up quick. As you saw in the trailer, there is a master mind evil hacker, who is sort of a vigilante. He/she abducts the corrupt cop when he was driving down a creepy road while blackmailing someone. The mastermind hacker (let’s call him/her MH, yeah?) then broadcasts the cop’s execution live on television via a news channel owned by ‘Global Time Network’.

Now the cop on the case is Sharman Joshi, who likes to spell out everything is doing and thinking slowly and dramatically to his devoted sidekick, Inspector Gaitonde.

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Their immediate suspect is GTN’s CEO, Rahul Oberoi (question: are you even rich if your name is not Oberoi/Singhania/Malhotra?) played hammily by Rajneesh Duggal. Now I added hammily here, but just know that everyone in this movie was given the same memo: ham as if your life depends on it. And they delivered.

After some painfully long interrogation scenes, where Sharman Joshi lets loose some unintentionally hilarious dialogues and threats to Rajneesh Duggal, who I was very disturbed to find out that I kind of find attractive. No judgements, please.

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Rajneesh Duggal’s legal head is Sana Khan AKA Sia, who declares this after every ten seconds. I am not kidding. Sia is a strong, empowered woman and when she is not busy asserting that by screaming her credentials at anyone who’d listen, she is busy rejecting Rajneesh Duggal’s hilarious advances.

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No, seriously.One second he is ranting about how he is going to destroy Sharman Joshi for having the audacity of summoning him to the police station and the very next second he is creepily feeling up Sia and asking her to sleep with him.

Now just when you thought that you couldn’t take anymore, we’re introduced to another jackass: Gurmeet Chaudhary AKA Ranveer. If all the Ranveers of the world don’t collectively sue the makers of this movie for ruining the name Ranveer forever then what are you even doing?

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He is Sia’s boyfriend and he creepily surprises her by sneaking in flowers and some kind of lights into her house when she was busy rejecting Rajneesh the sleaze. They talk to each other in badly written poetic verses and then proceed to have sex to a song titled ‘Wajah Tum Ho’. The sex was a series of heaving bosoms, both Sia and Ranveer’s and a lot of face eating that they were trying to pass off as kissing.

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No sex scene in the movie is set without a song that has been abruptly inserted into the narrative. It’s like they could predict the audiences weaning interest in watching Sharman Joshi and Gaitonde’s sexual back and forth (their non existent sexual chemistry was more evident than any of the couples having sex).

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Now Ranveer is also a lawyer, who is on the case against Rajneesh Duggal. We find this out when Sia arranges a meeting between the police department and GTN’s team, including their tech expert, to explain that their satellite was actually hacked by someone and Rajneesh was actually innocent. We are then subjected to almost 20-minutes of explanation on how television broadcasting works and how a person with high speed internet and a phone can easily hack anything.

I am going to stop right here because the movie then goes on to spiral into a series of stupid twists and keeps introducing new people and I don’t want to relive that. I’ll skip forward.

The MH kills another person on live TV, a man called Karan (who was also having bad sex with a girl who needs to make better life choices while he got abducted). Karan was also Rajneesh’s business partner once upon a time. Then we find out that Rajneesh Duggal and Karan had raped an employ of GTN and killed off the only witness to the case. The cop who was murdered in the beginning helped in burying the case.

Incidentally, this was also Ranveer’s first case as a lawyer, that he lost as Rajneesh and Karan went scot free. Then we find out that the girl who was raped was actually the one behind the murders and a lot of twists and turns later we find out that the whole mastermind behind the plan was Sia who was the daughter of the witness who was murdered.

She then finds out from Rajneesh, just as she is about to kill him, that her boyfriend Ranveer was the brains behind their (the bad guys) whole game. She kills him and then calls Ranveer over and asks him to confess. Ranveer then reveals how he sabotaged the rape case to et a penthouse apartment from Rajneesh Duggal.

Then the most ridiculous fight in the history of movie fights happen and then Sharman Joshi shows up and then he joins the fight. In the end, Sia kills Ranveer and Sharman Joshi doesn’t turn her in for all the live murders. He decides he is going to let her go free as she was just being a good daughter. He also quits from the force and plans to start a security firm.

At this point I should probably also mention that Sharman Joshi also has a daughter (who probably made his dad heart pardon Sia of all her vengeance fuelled crimes). The daughter is the single most annoying kid I’ve ever come across and I’ve come across a fair share of them.

There is also an item number (unnecessary, of course) with Zarine Khan. She tries to be sexy throughout the song but she ends up looking super uncomfortable and that’s about as sexy as watching me try to fish out Pringle debris from my bra and eat them. Not sexy at all.

Before we head onto the life lessons, I must also mention the presence of Sherlyn Chopra. She is the single most relatable character in the movie. When I say character, I mean an objectified individual who is only there to squirm over Rajneesh Duggal in lingerie and pretend to have orgasms while eating his face.

Why she is relatable, you ask? When Sia confronts Rajneesh Duggal on the rape accusations (this was before the whole Sia being the mastermind reveal), he was about to have sex with Sherlyn Chopra. While walking out, after giving Rajneesh her resignation, Sia asks Sherlyn, “Why do you want to sleep with a rapist?” to which Sherlyn replies, “Do you pay my bills?”

Sherlyn Chopra doesn’t judge. Sherlyn Chopra just needs her sexy time. She has no time for preachy people.

Now to the life lessons.

Life lessons I Learnt from ‘Wajah Tum Ho’

1) You are not a true lawyer unless you and at least three other people declare that to the world. Now I don’t know what’s the proper protocol with other occupations but lawyers, take note.

2) Can you even have sexy time without soft focus and a remixed classic song? The answer is a resounding ‘NO’.

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3) It’s never a good sign when you want to murder a kid ( in a movie, relax) just for opening his/her mouth. Sharman Joshi’s movie daughter is the single most annoying movie kid of all the movie kids who have ever existed. I have already said this but I can’t assert this enough.

4) If you catch your father’s murder on CCTV cameras, via an app on your phone, then the most logical thing to do is to scream “STOP IT” repeatedly to no one in particular. Don’t call the neighbours or the police. Because what’s the point?

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5) Speaking of murders on CCTV cameras, install some in your house. You never know when you might need to live stream the murder of one of your family member and then avenge them while having gross sex with people. You know, it’s always good to be prepared.

6) You may think you have a decent taste in men but you will have a few unexplained crushes like the one I have on Rajneesh Duggal. And that’s OK. Definitely not a cause to seek therapy. Or reevaluate your entire life.

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7) Guys like it when you try to swallow their entire face while trying to kiss them. No lies.

8) Nothing good can come of a movie that stars Sharman Joshi sans Aamir Khan.

9) When you have a choice to watch ‘La La Land‘ or ‘Wajah Tum Ho‘, ask yourself which movie does not star Sharman Joshi, and then go for that one.

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You can thank me later for this.

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